My home is a very good family, I have a lovely brother, his name is He Chengke and he likes to ride a bike and playing computer games, sometimes would rather ride a bike to have a meal, but his hobby is different, and I I like writing and surfing the Internet, sometimes I sing a song, if you are my music teacher, listen to my songs, that you will feel to choose the wrong line, this is very bad. My father is an English teacher, he likes swimming and watching movies, but he is very lazy, always unconsciously when to eat, all want to let you pull voice call before he came to. My mother is a teacher, she and I are in the same school class, is a Chinese and English teacher, or a coach, she likes watching TV, dancing and playing basketball, but she is very hard-working, always take care of me and my brother and father's life. My grandpa is a cleaner, my grandma is grandpa ' 'assistant', they are very hardworking, always keep the streets clean clean, grandpa still won a prize of excellent cleaner! He likes to listen to songs, grandma, too, they are very love me, and I really like their smile, because can .
So I have a dream, that is, when a singer, to write a song of praise cleaner, let grandma and grandpa smile more full.
六年级:贺怡萍
写作思路解析
选材视角新颖独特，借有条不紊的场景铺叙完善故事框架深化内容，行文舒缓自在从容，叙事节奏平稳，适合静心品读，跳出常规写作思路。不从大众常见角度切入，构思不落俗套。文章立意新颖，素材搭配巧妙，阅读时常能感受到新鲜感。
本文范文仅作写作思路参考，请勿直接照搬抄袭用于作业投稿。
改进建议
↓结尾升华做好层层铺垫，循序渐进抒发感悟。多观察生活细节，把微小瞬间转化为生动写作素材。
作文优点
★叙事态度客观真诚，不夸大、不刻意煽情，文风朴实稳重。文章脉络清晰，读者可以快速理清整件事情的来龙去脉。
存在不足
!全文缺少高潮段落，叙事节奏全程平缓，不容易抓住读者注意力。事例和观点融合不足，事例简单堆砌，缺少分析。
综合点评
◆全文思路连贯统一，段落划分规整，行文没有明显卡顿。素材选取贴合题意，不会偏离写作方向。不足之处在于行文缺少节奏起伏，通篇风格平缓，很难抓住读者注意力。